The Hidden Face of Control

Negar Mansourian

11/4/20254 min read

We often picture “controlling people” as demanding, cold, or manipulative. But the truth is, control is often born not from arrogance — but from anxiety. Beneath every attempt to steer outcomes, make decisions for others, or avoid surprises lies a deep fear of uncertainty and emotional discomfort.

In romantic relationships, the controlling partner may not intend to dominate — they’re trying to prevent pain.
In the workplace, the controlling boss may not mean to micromanage — they’re trying to stop things from falling apart.
And in families, the controlling parent may not want to suffocate their child — they’re trying to protect them from the chaos they once experienced.

In short: control is often an armor for the anxious heart.

Control as a Mirror of Inner Fear

At its root, control is an anxiety management strategy.
When someone fears unpredictability, rejection, or loss, they unconsciously believe that if they control enough of the environment or other people’s behavior, they’ll stay safe.

A partner may need constant reassurance or dictate how things “should” be done.
A manager may struggle to delegate, rewriting others’ work to feel calm again.
A parent may impose strict routines or expectations on their child, believing it’s “for their own good.”

What all these have in common is a fear of losing control over outcomes, emotions, or relationships.It’s not about power for power’s sake. It’s about avoiding the anxiety that comes with uncertainty.

The Communication Pattern: When Questions Disappear

One of the most telling traits of controlling behavior is the absence of questions.

A controlling boss, partner, or parent often doesn’t ask open-ended questions like:

“What do you think?”
“How do you feel about this?”
“What would work best for you?”

Why? Because asking a question means opening the door to an unpredictable answer.
And that’s precisely what they fear.

If the other person’s answer challenges their comfort zone, emotional capacity, or sense of safety, it can trigger anxiety. So instead, they assume the answer and move forward on their own terms — maintaining control, but sacrificing understanding. This creates a painful paradox: They crave connection, yet their communication pattern builds walls instead of bridges.

The Emotional Logic Behind Control

At a psychological level, controlling behavior often develops from early experiences of instability or emotional neglect. When someone grows up feeling unsafe, unseen, or powerless, they internalize the belief that safety comes only when they’re in charge.

Their nervous system learns:

“If I let go, I’ll get hurt.”
“If I don’t manage everything, things will fall apart.”
“If I trust others too much, I’ll be disappointed.”

This conditioning can follow them into adulthood — showing up in every sphere:

Romantic relationships: needing to “fix” or “correct” the partner instead of listening.
Parenting: over-instructing or rescuing instead of letting children try and fail.
Workplaces: micromanaging, overchecking, or rewriting others’ work “to be sure.”

The controlling person’s mind is not trying to dominate; it’s trying to reduce uncertainty. Their anxiety doesn’t trust that things will be okay if they’re not steering the ship.

The Relationship Cost

While control may reduce short-term anxiety, it comes with long-term relational costs:

Partners feel unseen or dismissed.
Children feel mistrusted and lose confidence.
Employees feel suffocated or disempowered.

Control replaces dialogue with direction. It erodes emotional intimacy — the very thing the controlling person often longs for. Ironically, their attempt to avoid pain ends up creating the loneliness and disconnection they fear most.

The Way Forward: From Control to Curiosity

Healing from controlling patterns isn’t about blame — it’s about awareness and compassion.
If you recognize yourself in this description, know this: it doesn’t mean you’re “a bad person.” It means your nervous system has learned to survive through control.

Here are some gentle shifts that can begin to change the pattern:

Start asking small, real questions.
When you feel the urge to assume, pause and ask instead. Even if the answer scares you, stay curious.
“Can you tell me what you need right now?”
“How do you see this situation?”
Tolerate uncertainty in small doses.
You don’t have to surrender all control — just practice letting others contribute without correcting them immediately.
Name your fear.
“I’m afraid if I don’t handle it, something will go wrong.” Naming it brings awareness instead of projection.
Practice nervous system regulation.
Breathwork, mindfulness, and self-coaching tools (like Martha Beck’s “The Work” or body-based grounding) help calm the internal panic that drives control.
Build trust — in yourself, others, and life.
Every time you survive letting go a little, your body learns that safety doesn’t require control.

The Takeaway

Control is rarely about power — it’s about protection.
Many controlling individuals are thoughtful, caring, and deeply responsible people who have simply never been taught how to feel safe without being in charge.

But connection — true, fulfilling connection — can only grow in the space that questions create.
Asking questions, staying open to answers, and tolerating differences are not signs of weakness. They’re acts of profound courage.

When we shift from control to curiosity, we don’t lose safety — we gain trust, intimacy, and freedom.

Ready to Explore the Patterns That Shape Your Relationships?

If this reflection on control and anxiety resonates with you, it might be time to look beneath the surface — with compassion, not judgment. Understanding why we cling to control is the first step toward reclaiming peace, connection, and authenticity in our relationships.

At Your Power to Thrive, I help clients untangle the fears and habits that quietly drive their choices — from communication patterns at work to emotional dynamics in love and parenting. Together, we explore what’s beneath the need for control so you can lead and love from a place of trust, not tension.

Book a free discovery session to start exploring what’s possible when you loosen control and open space for curiosity, connection, and calm.