Forgiveness Isn’t a Gift to Them—It’s Freedom for You

When trust is shattered and a traumatic experience is caused (by a parent, partner, boss, or friend), forgiveness can feel impossible. Years may pass, and we may no longer be in touch with the person who caused us harm, but the pain remains. Many of us equate forgiving with excusing the harm: If I forgive, am I saying they were right? That it wasn’t a big deal? That they deserve a pass?

No. A unilateral forgiveness is not a gift for the one who wronged you; it’s an act of healing for you, a gift you give yourself. Also, it doesn’t erase boundaries, restore trust automatically, or require reconciliation. It redirects your energy from the past toward your inner peace, so your life is no longer hostage to what happened. Even if we pretend that we don’t care, the body remembers. The anger and hurt don’t disappear; we simply get better at covering them. Ignoring pain isn’t healing—it’s postponed processing. Over time, unprocessed anger tends to leak into our mood, our relationships, and our health. Research consistently links forgiveness with lower stress, anxiety, depression, and blood pressure, and better sleep and heart health. Letting go is not minimizing the wound; it’s choosing health and peace over chronic hurt.

Keep in mind that you are not a bad person if you are not ready to forgive someone who truly hurt you. No one should judge you about your readiness for forgiveness. It comes when you are ready, and not a minute sooner, but when it does, it will be because you decided that you are not necessarily giving them anything. You are returning yourself to yourself. And that freedom is worth everything.

What Forgiveness Isn’t—and What It Is

• It is not condoning or forgetting. You can forgive and still name the harm, keep distance, or end a relationship. (Forgiveness ≠ reconciliation.)

• It is not declaring they were right. Forgiveness does not rewrite facts; it reclaims your peace.

• It is not passive. It’s an intentional process that lowers anger and rumination and raises hope and self-esteem.

Think of forgiveness as moving from a pain loop (rumination, resentment) to a healing loop (clarity, boundaries, future-focused choices). Studies and meta-analyses show structured forgiveness work reduces distress across diverse groups and settings. Forgiveness is not the same as approval, forgetting, or a free pass. It is not equal reconciliation or saying they were right. Forgiveness is a decision to stop letting the past govern your physiology, attention, and future. It’s an act of self-respect that says, “My health and wholeness matter more than nursing this wound.”

Good resource: https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/forgiveness

What We’re Really Carrying When We “Move On” Without Forgiving

• “I don’t forgive and I don’t care.”
  The mind may dismiss; the nervous system does not. The body still braces against the memory. Tension becomes the baseline—tight jaw, shallow breath, vigilant mind.

• “I’ll forgive when they apologize.”
  Your peace becomes conditional—locked behind a door only the other person can open. Their insight and understanding about their share of wrongdoing (which may never arrive) becomes the gatekeeper of your peace and future.

• “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
  Minimization looks like strength, but it often keeps us from tending the real wound. What we don’t feel now, we feel later—louder.

Thinking any of these thoughts does not mean you are “bad” or "unkind". They simply show a nervous system trying to protect you. But protection mode is not the same as liberation. If you are not yet ready for "forgiveness", that is OK.

Why Holding On Hurts—For Real

There’s a well-documented relationship between chronic stress/trauma and physical health. Long-term rumination and unresolved anger can keep the body’s stress systems switched on—affecting sleep, mood, immune function, inflammation, and cardiovascular health. You don’t have to memorize the science to know this truth: carrying pain is exhausting. Your body pays for what your mind won’t release. Your body, heart, and future deserve peace now. Forgiveness, then, isn’t about excusing harm or reconciling. It’s about choosing your nervous system’s peace over the subconscious storage of injury.

The Ego’s Bargain: Why Letting Go Feels “Wrong”

Part of you (call it the ego, the protector, the loyal defender) believes anger keeps you safe and “in charge.” Anger gives structure: “If I don't forgive, I maintain what happened was wrong.”, “If I forgive, I’ll look weak—or it might happen again.” But:

• We have no control over another person’s reckoning.
  Their ability to grasp the harm depends on their mindset, their willingness to self-reflect, and their compassion—factors you cannot manufacture or manage.

• Anger offers the feeling of control, not the reality.
  Staying angry can feel like holding the steering wheel, but the car you’re gripping is parked. Meanwhile, your nervous system pays the price—tight jaw, shallow breathing, constant vigilance.

• What you do control is your inner stance.
  You control your boundaries, your attention, your self-talk, your daily rituals of care, and your decision to stop letting the past govern your physiology and future.

The ego’s illusion of control keeps you oriented to the past, vigilant and tight, long after the danger has passed. We can honor the ego’s intent and choose a higher path: “I won’t serve anger at the expense of my inner peace.” That choice is not weak; it’s sovereign. You cannot perform peace while carrying rage. The body always tells the truth.

A Gentle Path to Forgiveness—Without Excusing Harm

Use this as a compassionate practice, at your pace:

1. Name the harm clearly.
   Write what happened and how it affected you—emotionally, physically, financially. Truth-telling is the foundation of real forgiveness.

2. Separate safety from forgiveness.
   Set (or keep) boundaries that protect you. Forgiveness can happen inside you, even if there’s no contact outside you.

3. Feel, then release—on purpose.
   For two minutes, let yourself feel the anger fully (sound, movement, tears). Then signal completion: exhale long; say, “I release what is not mine to carry.” Repeat as needed.

4. Choose your allegiance.
   Whisper: “I choose peace over being right.” This does not rewrite the past; it rewrites your relationship to it.

5. Create a ritual of closure.
   Write a letter you’ll never send. Burn it safely. Lay a stone on a windowsill as a marker: This is where I take over the driver's seat of life in place of the past.

6. Regulate your nervous system while you heal.

   • VOO breathing: Inhale through the nose; exhale a long, resonant “VOO,” feeling chest and belly vibrate.

   • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 touch, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste.

   • Feet-press reset: Press feet into the floor for ten slow breaths, reminding your body, “I am safe now.”

7. Replace rumination with creativity.
   Each time the story loops, do one small act that nourishes you: something creative. step outside, text a supportive friend, journal three lines, make tea. Teach your nervous system a new exit route.

Choosing Peace, Practically

Forgiveness is not a feeling you must force. It’s a series of choices—small, repeated—toward softness in your body and spaciousness in your life. Some days you’ll release easily. Other days you’ll need support. That’s human.

If you’re ready to do this work with the help of a compassionate ally, I offer culturally sensitive, holistic coaching—in English and Persian—to help you revisit your inner peace, strengthen boundaries, and move toward forgiveness at a nervous-system-friendly pace. Explore my services, or book a free discovery call.